Lessons from my Grandmother

I had such high hopes for 2015, but the events over the past few days have really given this year a bittersweet flavor. Experiencing my family grow and then suffer a terrible loss within the span of only a few weeks has truly had a profound effect on me and my current outlook on life. 

As I shared earlier this week, my beloved Grandma just passed away. Although she was as healthy as a 76-year-old could be, my Grandmother had a massive stroke and passed away on Christmas Eve after putting up one heck of a fight. For personal reasons, I wanted to take some time today to articulate my thoughts and reflect upon the lessons I have learned from her over the past year, reflect on my life at this moment, and look forward to the year ahead.

October 3, 2015 | My wedding, and the last time I saw my Grandmother before her stroke.

2015 in Review

First of all, after all of the highs and lows experienced over the past 12 months, I can easily say that I have never been more grateful for my family.

In January of 2015, my new fiancé (now husband) and I had hopes of planning a relatively small wedding for just close family and friends. However, by February our guest list already exceeded 125... eventually ending up with almost 200 invited guests (only about 25 were friends, by the way).

Every time a family member (usually my Grandmother) called suggesting that we invite Aunt X or insisting that Cousins Y and Z needed to be invited because we were invited to theirs... my stereotypical Italian temper would rise (NOTE TO SELF: Work on this in 2016). 

"I have not seen these people since I was 10," I would normally say. 

"It doesn't matter," Grandma would usually reply. "They're family, and weddings are for celebrating LOVE with family. In the end, love and family is all you really have."

In the end, despite far exceeding our budget to accommodate the enlarged guest list, I am happy I invited as many people as we did. The memories alone were reimbursement for every additional meal purchased.

I reconnected with family members I truly had not seen since I was about 10 years old, and I shared stories and drinks with cousins who typically only just sit across the table from me at Christmas dinner. We laughed, cried, danced, hugged, kissed, and (of course) we ate! Seeing two large Italian families come together and celebrate with such joy filled me up with more happiness than I am able to articulate. 

I would appreciate this big family gathering even more when, about 10 weeks later, my family came together once more at the same Grandmother's funeral. Not only did my wedding turn out to be the last time I saw my Grandma before her stroke, but my rekindled relationship my extended family ended up being an incredible source of comfort. 

Once again, we cried, hugged, kissed, and even laughed (no dancing, though) reminiscing on how this wonderful woman touched all of our lives. Several hundred people came by to pay their respects to this wonderful woman, some of whom only met her once at the wedding (I'm not joking!). 

The obituary listed my Grandma as a homemaker. In my opinion, she should have been named a "family maker." Jeanette Mazzurco lived her life building her family, and during her later years, she fought to keep it together.

My Grandmother treated everyone she met like family and had more friends than I could count. What's more, she stayed in touch with them, despite being vehemently adverse to technology. She welcomed everyone into her home and fed every belly with a handmade meal. She was quick to make you laugh, laugh at herself, cry with you, and would do anything to help you, no questions asked.

For my Grandma, every holiday was a family celebration, and every meal was a work of art and the purest expression of her love. On Christmas Day, despite the fact she had been admitted to the hospital a week earlier, my family and I thawed and ate the handmade manicotti, gravy (for you non-Italians, "red sauce"), sausage, and cookies she had prepared for Christmas. Even though she had already passed, my Grandmother could not have been more present that Christmas.

Christmas was always my Grandma's holiday. Every year we drove to New Jersey and celebrated with her and my Grandpa. It's heartbreakingly fitting that she would pass away on Christmas Eve, for I will now always associate her with this time of year.

Life at this Moment

Now today I am sitting in my parents' house, trying to rest and recuperate after the heartbreaking events of the past two weeks before returning to life in Miami. My heart aches for my Grandpa who plans to ring in the New Year alone for the first time in about 60 years, and yet it is filled thinking about how my Grandma has build such a wonderful family that I am proud to be a part of.

On top of all of this, I am sorting through a lot of personal issues that this profound loss has awoken.

• First and foremost, I feel an overwhelming need to move back from Miami. I will always be a career-oriented person, but over the past few months (and especially over the past few days), I am finding that no amount of my current career success* will make me feel as fulfilled as celebrating milestones with my family. I am tired of missing birthdays, weddings, and holidays because plane fares are too high or I cannot get off of work.
  * Note: This is not to say that I do not achieve any fulfillment from my career. I have had previous career successes that have made me feel incredibly fulfilled. It is simply this current position/point in my career that I find unsatisfying.

• Second, I am sick of settling and accepting excuses (even my own). In my opinion, excuses are simply ways to make you feel less guilty for not trying. I personally over-analyze things until I convince myself out of doing them. Like I mentioned before: My Grandma would do anything for her family. When asked for help, she always said "yes" without any question. She never made excuses why something could not be done. If she knew she'd be helping her family, she made it work. I could not think of a better way to be.
  
  
• Third, I desperately want to build something of my own. My Grandma took pride in building and maintaining her family. Every other hobby she had (cooking, knitting, collecting photos/cards/memorabilia) was simply a different way of helping her connect with and expressing her love for her family. Although my husband and I would like to have a family some day, neither of us are quite ready for that in the years ahead. I am desperately seeking something that fills me with as much joy and fulfillment as my Grandma found in her family. 
  
  

The Year Ahead

With the New Year arriving in just a few hours, I truly want to live 2016 (and the rest of my days) with as much love and purpose as my Grandma did. I want to apply the lessons my Grandma taught me throughout the year ahead. Most importantly, I want to live a life that would make my Grandma, my family, and myself proud.

I'd eventually like to take the time to describe how I intend to do this, but my family wants to celebrate the New Year together. And truthfully, there is nothing I would rather do right now than just that.

Wishing you all a fantastic year ahead filled with life, love, happiness, and joy.