A Halloween post about Death
Against my better intentions, I took three days off of writing. I just need to do a mind dump, and since no one reads this (I'm not saying this to sound pitiful.. just a matter of fact), why not just do this here... I'm emptying out the recycling bin.
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Hospitalization.pdf
Last week my mom was in the hospital. Happily, she is out now and being treated with antibiotics, but the cause of her hospitalization were complications to her advanced MS.
I have told two people of her hospitalization: my husband and my best friend (if my dog counts, that's three). I really don't want to talk about it to anyone because I know they'll ask questions I don't think I have the emotional fortitude to answer.
I know this, because the two people I have spoken to have raised these questions.
I know the answers, but I know I am not prepared for them.
I know I don't want to talk about it anymore.
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Hamster.jpg
Speaking of childish, my hamster died tonight.
Many people poke fun at me for being a 25 year old with a pet hamster, but having lived in apartments for nearly 10 years... you find that cats & dogs are often forbidden, but small pets fit into a grey area. As an animal lover, I fill those grey areas with fluffy furballs I can dote on.
Dexter, who lived far longer than our wildest expectations, is probably the last hamster I'll ever adopt for myself. He was a lovable goofball, but seeing him age and not be able to hold and care for him (hamsters are not the most cuddly creatures) was heartbreaking.
... Seeing Dexter age reminded me too much of my situation with my mom: Experiencing the decline, but not being able to stay close for long enough to make a difference.
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Anniversary.pages
The first anniversary of my Grandma's death is coming up. December 24.
I used to love to love Christmas Eve - the final preparations, the anticipation, the traditions in full-swing.
As you can probably imagine, last year's Christmas didn't feel the way it's "supposed to." I doubt it ever will again.
I wonder if I'll hope it would.
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Self-absorption.txt
Is it normal for a 25 year old to think about her own death on a daily basis? Before any red flags are raised, I am not having suicidal thoughts. Rather, my thoughts circle around the finality of life and how I feel my ability to leave any lasting impression slipping ever-faster through my fingers.
Is it normal for a 25 year old to think about her own death on a daily basis? Every day that passes by without a visible step in the right direction fills me with an all-encompassing anxiety. I have an inner drive to help, to succeed, to make a difference, and to do good unto others, but I am standing still... completely lost as to how to achieve this mission.
Is it normal for a 25 year old to think about her own death on a daily basis? I am terrified that something is going to happen to me before I can accomplish whatever I feel like I am supposed to do. I think about my health, untimely accidents, and my own mortality more than I feel others do. I am constantly in my own head, making myself paranoid.
Is it normal for a 25 year old to think about her own death on a daily basis? I am not unhappy. Far from it. My life is filled with such joy. But, in the few-and-far-between moments when the mental chatter crescendoes about the daily buzz... I panic.
Is it normal for a 25 year old to think about her own death on a daily basis? How often do you?